Sunday, 15 February 2015

Letters to my Mother

My dearest mom,

I feel I am now ready to speak about myself, my dreams and how I intent to be separated from everything the world forced me with. Before getting too deep, I should ask for an apology. You raised me up, sang for me when I cried, counted my first steps, laughed with me, cried with me, asked me to follow my dreams, made me think my own thoughts and in the end made me free. I apologize for taking that freedom and corrupting the glory of it, rather selfishly. It is interesting to share a memory here, the day was the 1st of June 1996, I was 3 and by brother was as much months old; you took me to school for the very first time and when I cried, your eyes turned wet. Yet you never took me away, you never said to stop school and sit at home, you never found how much I detested being away. And now, as I write this letter, I believe if you would have asked me to stay then, I wouldn't have been away now. But I love this life, our home is now more or less a place of shelter to me, a place with which I have no serious emotional relationship. I have an intimacy with this road now, an intimacy which fails to be fulfilled regardless the extent to which I taste its infinite thrills. I must travel along mom, and I must travel alone. I'll send you a letter soon.

Till then,
Goodbye,
Anand

***

Mom,

Do you find how ironic the world is? Last letter, I tore my heart open in front of you and proudly and quite foolishly, acclaimed that I do not have any emotion pertaining to our home. Well, last night I dreamed of you, and our home. It was wonderful wasn't it? And easy too. I had to wake up, and everything was right there in front of me - food, clothes, money, love! I don't have much of that anymore. While I write this letter, I am travelling in a bus, and alongside, a woman and her 10 month old baby. It is surprising to see how earnestly she looks after him, she could feel his slightest disturbances and enjoy his smallest smiles. I grew rather fond of them, because within them I saw us, can you believe that mom? Yeah. We were inside them, like all the other mothers and their children, all inside their eyes, all inside their selfless love. I know you'd be crying when you read this, I'm close to you mom, I can't really separate myself from your love.

With love,
Anand

***

Dear mom,

Last few days were difficult for me. I keep on travelling, yet I cannot stop the overwhelming thoughts of home, of our silly arguments and of all the fun we had. I wish to come back to you some day but there are things for me to do here, there are people out there who are waiting for me, who are without home, without food and, most importantly, without love. I wish to be the guiding light that leads them out of darkness, I wish to be an ordinary man who wished to do extraordinary things for them. I know you'll agree with me someday, and we could all live happily after that. For now, I am confused myself. Why do I feel that it is I who deserves all the help? Maybe it is because the altruistic haven I have dreamed of is rather unrealistic and unreachable. But the world is like this because people like me and you failed to put thoughts into actions right? So, however hard it maybe, I have decided to keep going till I see light.

Love you mom,
Anand

***
Mom,

Things are going really bad for me now. I am beginning to question the very essence of human suffering, and is now beginning to seriously doubt whether it is worthwhile for me to keep guiding people on towards a new life, all for to find them deserting me. Is it because I expect things out of people too much? When I was young you always asked me never to expect rewards for things I do, which frankly I have never really yearned for. But is ignorance a 'nothing' word or is it a 'punishment'? A lot of questions are brewing in my head. I have met people who are corrupt and I have met people who are ready to dip their heads in bowels of shame for a round of meal, it does not add up does it? I feel like I am just a drop of clarity in an ocean of filth, I am afraid that if I continue they would corrupt me too. I do not want to lose my identity, I just want to be free.

Yours own,
Anand

***

Dearest mom,

I have decided that whatever happens I must move on. The world can hurt me, and hunt me down in a million different ways, but I have lived on till now. I have fought a losing battle with my head held high. You know mom, last day a child came up to me holding a tainted piece of bread and held it onto my hands, and asked me to eat it. It is love, isn't it? These are things which define a person's life. All along, I didn't know for whom I was fighting for, now I realize the essence of my battle, it is for the love in that child's heart, it is for countless other children like him who extends everything they have even if they have so little, it is a sacrifice which is more pure, more divine and more sanctified than anything which I have ever made in my whole life. There is indeed a veil of darkness in front of me, but if I try I could burn my thoughts and shower my road with light!

Passionately,
Anand

***


Mom,

It seems I am now awakened to a new mental sunrise. I feel the air colder, and I feel it holding a beautiful scent. It is as if I am about to be taken out of a womb, which forever held me in untruth. Continuing from where I left off, I saw people, I absorbed their sufferings, and in between I discovered that every time a person shares his pain with you, he instills a part of himself within you. Countless people are existing within me now, and I am not alone.

With love,
Anand

***

Dear mom,

It has been a long time since I've last written, and I am sure you'd pardon me for that. You see I am discovering a lot of things lately which I am finding hard to decipher. Yesterday I dreamed of myself floating above humanity, surrounded by people I've met, into a mystic which is both afar and attractive. There is this peace that fills my inner sense every time I see a smile, and everything which confused me, every one who held me back seem lifeless now. I feel it had always been like this; to annihilate hatred, to annihilate fear, all you got to do is to dis-join yourself from this world and exist inside your own mind. I am beginning to grow now, I feel I am closer to my destination than I thought.

With hope,
Anand

***


My loving mom,

It is time I stopped sending these letters. I know it holds no good in the context of things. I have achieved a mental enlightenment, a pinnacle of all human philosophies. We all live in a vestige of space, shackled by our identity, impersonating a hero, and being slave to money, religion, God and our own thoughts. However we try, the knowledge of our mortality troubles us, and our greed for immortality conspires against us. I believe we were all in a state of Buddhahood at birth but life fucked us up into believing we are an inferior lot who ought to be in a natural path towards attaining superiority. I have journeyed far, and I have journeyed wide, and everywhere I went, every person I see wants his life to get better in ways he dreams of. It had been foolish in my part to stand as a middle man in this show, because even if I were non-existent somehow they would have pursued their goals. It is insane for me to continue this journey, because I have now learnt what I wish to learn. Now, all saints of the past and present would ask me to share this knowledge with the common man and lead him to salvation, but I am against this notion of sharing a person's experience because it would make very little sense to the audience. I have decided to stay where I am now. I am surrounded by life, which in itself is a rarity in the cosmos, and I have decided to stop my thoughts, because when the glass is full, it cannot hold more. I am sorry I was not a capable son, I am sorry I was not by your side when you wanted me. But do remember, that even when I am gone a part of me still drifts around you, and around all the people I love. Take those memories, and keep searching for yourself, because someday when you find yourself, you would see me too!

Anand

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